Archive for love

Blarney stones and leprechauns

When we last left our un-caped, un-hero, he was almost homeless and had confessed his feelings to the girl he’d had a huge crush on for over six months. The confession cost a lot of heartache and broke up a friendship but in return there was closure and peace of mind, which unfortunately as he found out three weeks later, only lasts as long as there is no contact with said person. Also it removed the rose tinted view he had of her, the same lenses that covered all the glaringly obvious shortcomings, not to mention the annoying, unattractive qualities.

What the hell is love…or super prolonged infatuation? It makes all of those little quirks and distastes that make a person so unappealing vanish for some strange reason. In this case it made our hero mortal and weak like all the other plain humans. Oh well, for every fall there is a rise…

Right after the incident he had called her up to see where he stood, and she said it was alright, even quoted the song she knew he always listened to on his way back from her place – don’t worry be happy. All that turned into pure distrust and loathing the following conversation on skype. She was utterly dismayed at what he’d wrote to her in his letter. And then that was it, no more contact from either side. He had meant to avoid her as much as he could due to the awkwardness but her retaliatory and demeaning comments made his resolve into pure determination, both due to preservation of his serenity and sanity as well as the mild antipathy he started to feel for her.

The silence was broken nearly three weeks later when she phoned him to find out about something very trivial, which was followed by whether he was coming to a birthday party of a mutual friend. That night, neither shared a word nor looked at each other. Although, he did steal a few glances in the beginning. That was the last straw, after being treated like the plague, he had had enough and just would prefer to get what he’d lent her and no more. Enough is enough.

Right now that’s where he stands and is contemplating on getting his life in order and not to be distracted by the sort he’s had put up with for the last 7-8 years. His new abode is where he spends most of his time. It’s peaceful and charming, albeit boring, and there is a certain language barrier not to mention a lack of private quarters, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Tis the summer of discontent

Bar a very brief relief from my on going anguish with my crush on a certain someone, life hasn’t changed very much. Except maybe that I have one more reason to be jealous. She has got two, almost three jobs at the moment and as much as I want to be happy for her I just feel somewhat under appreciated. My altruistic tendencies being the reason she got one of the jobs, and my procrastinatory discretion being the reason I didn’t get the second job. Well she did tell me about the agency and made me get off my ass and go along with her to apply. In conclusive self reproach, I only have myself to blame. Now I feel much better knowing where the blame lies.

I’ll just try to keep on top of the game and sort things out myself. I still can’t believe that I feel for her…I mean when all logic says to stay away and not even think about it, all I seem to do the exact opposite. I just can’t help it I suppose. It’s harder still knowing that apart from a goofy, just friends connection, there seems to be nothing there…from her side anyway. to interlude i’m just enjoying the theme song from “FRIENDS: your jobs a joke, you’re broke your love life’s DOA, it always seems that you’re stuck in second gear, when it hasn’t been your day, your week or month or year.” or something something, think I messed it up.

Ah a life less ordinary; of all the colleges, of all the cities, in all the world, you had to walk into this one. I can’t even imagine being with anyone else at the moment, worst of all, I can’t even imagine being with you.

I’ll just save all the mindless garbage that I have to deal with from my friends in a later entry.

What is love

Why is that all day long I have great ideas, frustrations that I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt are pearls of poetic justice [I highly doubt I even used that term in the correct sense] and as soon as I sit down and ready to blog it vanishes more easier than that great dream you never want to wake up from.

Anyway, I’ll scrape together the remnants of the things I wanted to write down. Why is it that the girl you are attracted to you seems to be so distant…only just with you. You can almost feel the tension, it’s there but what…is it just you or does she feel it as well? Maybe she does it on purpose, for what I don’t know. Maybe she has feelings she wants to ignore. Or maybe i’m just the biggest fool on earth.

Everyone else I’m immune with, she alone slipped past my invulnerability. Far and few I find someone like that. And yet it’s a mismatch made in heaven, I the beast and she the beautiful elf who I have to watch from the shadows, unless the light casts off on my hideousness, my short comings and seemingly never healing wounds. Different worlds, different times; nearly writing a 1001 rhymes by day, seeking the solace of unconsciousness by night.

Much needed updates

well long story short, i’ve made it through my exams. What a month of stress that was, now i’m back to work and enjoying my ‘summer’ ‘break’. Working full time isn’t as hard as I thought it was, each new step is hard but then it gets routine. Now I’m upto 12 hours a day…. whoo hoo. OH yeh, need some rest though.

Hmm, i’ve recently acquired a camera, specs and pics will be forthcoming soon. and some new football shoes. OH MY GOD they’re so awesome. Almost a pity i’ll have to scuff them while i’m playing. A bit of hesitation made sure those were the ones I picked over something else I’d preferred. Albeit these are much much prettier :D i think i’ll take a pic of them right now. The camera’s basic specs are as follows: 10 megapixel, 6x zoom, 32mb built in mem. I haven’t really had the chance to play with it or take pictures. I need to but a memory card for it, SD i think. But all the recent purchases are making me cringe. Plus I had a unexpected withdrawal from the ATM, suffice to say it wasn’t the amount I had requested.

Other acquisitions I’d had in mind for a while would be an Ipod…if not something with equal memory and better sound quality. I do really need a mouse quick though because the one I have is being really erratic with unwarranted scrolling. Oh well.

Work has gotten interesting, been meeting some good people and having tons of fun during breaks and work as well. I need to find a second job and need a life, desparately do. I need fun in my life, possibly a new love interest….oh how I wish. Right now it’s just wooing clandestinely over someone who i doubt knows how i feel for her. And I doubt that anything will ever come to fruition or we’ll even have a mildly exciting for the moment let alone a happily ever after. Oh such is life…just want to finally hoist my main sail and get away from the dark creaking fingers of the past. Anyway that’s it for the mini update.

Be back shortly to organizing the unorganizable and seemingly unrecuperable that is my life.

Why do you haunt me so?

“Hate that I love you so…” Rihanna and Neyo

Taking lead from the previous post, I want to talk about YOU. Yeah, YOU, you’ll never know i’m talking about you, you’ll never see this post and even if you did I don’t care. Well, maybe I do, but still i know I shouldn’t be talking about you, it’s not your fault. You don’t know how i feel about you, or maybe you do and you just drive me crazy.

All i seem to be thinking about is you. When you’re not near i can’t wait to see you, I have all these things in mind things i want to say or do things I ‘accidently’ want to slip out so you’ll see how much I care and…ugh, love you ?:S? It’s friggin frustrating. Why did you have to have such a lovable personality why the eff can I not stop thinking about you. I mean we’re so wrong for each other…maybe we’re not but we’re from different worlds, the age gap, you have a boyfriend and i doubt you’d really be interested in a serious relationship. Plus the more i’m drawn towards you and think there’s something (stupidly so I might add) the more shocking it is to hear certain things from you. Yeh, i don’t know if u’re keeping your distance or just being honest but sounds like IF, and that’s a BIG BIG BIG IF, something does happen between us i’m not too sure it might be a good thing. You know why? because IF IF IF it does happen what’s to say it won’t have all the hallmarks of a normal relationship…i’d adore  you and cherish you and then the rest of the same old crap. Ok thinking a bit ahead of myself. But you told me you like the thrill of the chase…well being chased. I don’t know you seem a bit of a contradiction. You seem so stable and loyal, maybe you’re just joking, you wouldn’t cheat or lie but still those little things make me worry and we’re not even together yet.

These thoughts are driving me mad…I’m so tired of it…I want to be free and happy. I don’t know what to wish for…everything is just worse than whatever preceded it. I don’t even know why i’m angry at [you]. I’m not, i’m just angry at all this and myself. I really don’t know what to wish for…as much as it hurts everyday, as much as I feel like i want to throw up…i guess I’d feel that then nothing for you. This is pure bullshit but yet I can’t help feeling it and i feel so strongly at times…i just hope i get through it with or without you.

Where for art thou

My love for you is like a red red hose beast.

Being on the verge of love induced stealth swooning and nausea is not the best way to spend your days. Especially right now that exams are looming with the ever present dread of failure lurking and the stress of living.

Why do I then voluntarily want to keep feeling this way even though comments and intuition tells me that it’s not worth it, it’s just another phase you’ll pass out of…and worst of all, she’s just like everyone else. I feel almost literally sick, in fact I think i might be sick everyday, nauseous and heartbroken and yet i’m scared of not feeling that way. Is love such a force that you’d rather dwell in a self defeating sense of hopelessness, doubting, paranoia etc instead of being freed from its judgement clouding, rational eluding credo and be able to feel and think clearly?

It’s in its very essence a drug like experience where you act irrationally and without inhibition. If drinking and driving is illegal and morally rephrehensible why isn’t love legislated in the like? It is definitely detrimental to the individual, not to mention the public who have to contend with all these silly people[morons] in love. I just don’t understand…oh well more specifics in the next post as to what i’m whi..pining about.

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